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After getting all Pope John-Paul II’s luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope
is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Eminence.” Says the
driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?” Well, to
tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the
Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” I am sorry but I
cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should
happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that
morning. “There might be something extra in it for you,” says the
Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
thewheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105
mph. “Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!,” pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear
sirens. “Oh, my God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the river.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he
says to the dispatch.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped
a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” said the Chief. “I
think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop.
“What’d ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Bigger.”
“Governor”
“Bigger.”
“Well, said the Chief, “Who is it?”
“I don’t know”, said the cop, “but he’s got the Pope
driving for him.”
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A Pakistani Ambassador to the UN just finished giving a speech, and
walks out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands
and walked together in the long verandah when suddenly the Pakistani
said, “You know, I have just one question abou what I have seen in
America.”
President Bush says “Well your Excellency, anything I can do to
help you I will do.”
The Pakistani whispers, “My son watches this show “Star Trek”
and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and Indians
but never any Pakistani, Afghni or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He
doesn’t understand nor do I about why there aren’t any Arabs,
Pakistanis, and Afghanis in the Star Trek show.”
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in
his ear, “Beacause… the show is all about the future.”
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in Heaven …don’t
step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter
chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck
is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but on day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on …very tall, long eye-lashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman
remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all
of eternity?”
They guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
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A rich man in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
only poor guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in
the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a god time drinking,
dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 ffot
man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone
who has the manhood to jump in.”
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting
the gator and kicking its butt! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes
with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head
butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the
gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was
churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were
screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it
float to the top like A K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out
of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the
host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon’ I owe you a million dollars.”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.
The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?”
“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.
The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy,
then what do you want?”
Leroy said, “I want the name of the SOB who pushed me in the pool”
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A world survey recently conducted by the U. N. posted the following question:
"Could you please give us your opinion about the food storage in the rest of the world?"
It was a huge failure due to the following reasons:
In Africa, no one knows what "food" is.
In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" is.
In Eastern Europe, on one knows what "opinion" is.
In South America, no one knows what "please" means.
In the USA, no one knows what "Rest of the world" means!
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| Female Comebacks |
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." |
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Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." |
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Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." |
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Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book." |
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Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too." |
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Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." |
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Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter" |
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Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" |
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Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" |
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Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone." |
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Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." |
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Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." |
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Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." |
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Man: "I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." |
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Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" |
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| A woman was telling her friend, It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." |
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| "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never got to prove it." |
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| Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
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| The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." |
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| The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss, "said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if facts, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." |
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| There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." |
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| *Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had order that. |
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| At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing you wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." |
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| After a quarrel, husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." |
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| A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same the same thing: "You can have mine." |
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| The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" |
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| When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. |
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| Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason |
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| Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. |
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| A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." |
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Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son. |
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| This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please" A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you." |
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After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to woman you are?"
The flattered husband said, " No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?" |
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| Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions! |
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman raps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. |
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A priest was driving along and saw a nun of the side of the road, he stopped and offered her lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "father, remember Psalm 129."
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity. |
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A sales, rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one each."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. |
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THE ELDERLY WEEDING
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in Jacob addresses the man behind the counter.
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please." |
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